Quotes: Erma Bombeck

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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.
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I come from a home where gravy is a beverage.

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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

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Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

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Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.

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We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

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The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

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Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

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Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

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It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows

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Every puppy should have a boy.

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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

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Girls mature faster than boys, cost more to raise, and statistics show that the old saw about girls not knowing about money and figures is a myth. Girls start to outspend boys before puberty—and they manage to maintain this lead until death or an ugly credit manager, whichever comes first.

Males are born with a closed fist. Girls are born with the left hand cramped in a position the size of an American Express card. Whenever a girl sees a sign reading, “Sale, Going Out of Business, Liquidation,” saliva begins to form in her mouth, the palms of her hands perspire and the pituitary gland says, “Go, Mama.” In the male, it is quite a different story. He has a gland that follows a muscle from the right arm down to the base of his billfold pocket. It's called “cheap.”

Girls can slam a door louder, beg longer, turn tears on and off like a faucet, and invented the term, “You don't trust me.” So much for “sugar and spice and everything nice” and “snips and snails and puppydog tails.

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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

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There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.

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A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

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It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.