Quotes: Jarod Kintz

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Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans. 


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Money is seen as a great evil. But I've never seen a pile of cash stab someone.

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The love between a man and an animal is a sacred thing. Well, at least it was, until the politicians started answering to the lobbyists and not the people.


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A brick could be used as the lead singer of a band called “The More Interesting Than.” I would say get Miley Cyrus to do it, but she isn’t interesting enough.


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When three women all ignore each other, and each ignores me, it reminds me of Dark Jar Tin Zoo’s definition of love. Love is isn’t—even when it isn’t.


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The issue, let’s pick it up in the AM. The mannequin, let’s pick it up now and dance like our stiff moves are cool and by design.


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A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism. 


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A blanket could be used as a parachute, for jumping out of dreams.


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A brick could be a politician, if you attached strings, taught it to dance, and allowed it to read a teleprompter. Remember: whether it’s Republican or Democrat, it’s still a brick, and it will do whatever the Mason’s want it to. But if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to work. Now, where did I leave my secret handshake?


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I want to write a book on sex. It will be filled with phrases like "Uuuhgh yeeeaaaah," and "Ooooh that's it," and "Whose hands are those?

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Sadness and silence, two things I keep in jars in my basement that I label “Warning: Do not open.

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I had a dream about you. The sky was overcast, and my mood was gloomy. Then you walked in. You were a breath of fresh sunlight, and my lungs immediately caught fire.


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Reach into your heart and find the gold in it. Mine is shaped like an Olympic medal.


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Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I’m suddenly thirsty?


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She texted me telling me her mom was dying, so I did the right thing and texted her back a picture of my erect penis and said, “Let’s start a new family.”


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I misplaced time. Two minutes of my life just disappeared. Then I wasted another four minutes looking for the two minutes, for a 200% increase in decreased efficiency.


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Writing is hard, but I don’t want to kill myself trying to write. Not unless I’m writing a suicide note.


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My cat has long hair. Like a hippy.


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The guy in the white fedora looks like he’s reading a love letter. I say that only because he looks so confused, what else could the subject matter be?


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In Jacksonville, there are more childrenless children than fatherless children. Barely. But that’s one bad thing that’s actually a good thing.