Houston Texans Jokes

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Q: How do you know the Texas State Police are seriously enforcing the Speed Limits into Houston.
A: For the first offense, they give you two Houston Texans tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

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Q: If you have a car containing a Texans wide receiver, a Texans linebacker, and a Texans defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.

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Q: Why does President Obama want to send Texans QB Matt Schaub to Syria?
A: The CIA are convinced Matt is the only American who can overthrow Bashir Assad.

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Q: How do you keep a Texans fan from masterbating?
A: You paint his dick New Orleans gold and he won't beat it for 4 years!

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Q: What do you call a Houston Texan with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.

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Q: What do the Houston Texans and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

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Q: Want to hear a Texans joke?
A: Andre Johnson!

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Q: What is a Houston Texans fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Indianapolis."

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Q: Why do Texans players keep their Wonderlic results on their dash boards?
A: So they can park in the handicap spaces.

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Q: How do you stop an Houston Texans fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Indianapolis White and Blue!

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Q: How do you keep an Houston Texans out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

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Q: What should you do if you find three Houston Texans football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

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Q: What do the Houston Texans and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

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Q: What does a Houston Texans fan and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

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Q: What's the difference between the Houston Texans and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

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Q: Why can't Matt Schuab use the phone anymore?
A: Because he can't find the receiver.

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Q: How many Houston Texans does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up

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Q: What is the difference between a Texans fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

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Q: What's the difference between Houston Texans fans and mosquitoes?
A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.

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Q: How many Houston Texans fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don’t burn out man!