Illinois Jokes

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Q: What does a Illinois native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

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Q: What's the difference between an Illinois Fighitng Illini fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

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Q: What do the University of Illinois and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!

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Q: How many University of Northern Illinois freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.

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Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Northern Illinois library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

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Q: What do they call students who go to Illinois?
A: Rejects from Northwestern!

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Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Illinois's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

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Q: What should you do if you find three University Of Illinois football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

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Q: Why do Northern Illinois grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

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Q: What is a Fighting Illini fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Ohio State."

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Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Fighting Illini games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated

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Q: What's the only thing that grows in the South Side of Chicago?
A: The swelling from your head from getting jacked!

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Q: What is the definition of a Illinois virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers..

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Q: Whats the difference between the Illinois Fighitng Illini and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!

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Q: What are the best four years of a Fighing Illini's life?
A: Third grade

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Q: Did you hear that Northwestern's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

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Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Fighting Illini fan?
A: The bucket.

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Q: Why do Illinois students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!

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Q: What do you call an Northwestern football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!

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Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Illinois?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.