I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22
If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money.
I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?
I like people who can keep the conversation going no matter how random the topic gets.
If I hung out with Van Gogh, I don’t know what we’d do. We’d just play it by ear, I guess.
She asked if I found what she was telling me very exciting, and I managed to yelp out “very” while yawning.
When she offered me a spot of tea, I said, “No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.”
I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.
I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.
Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.
My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.
Some writers aren't writers, they are mere escapees' and refugees' on an exile from the jungle of thoughts.
If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.
The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.
I think the most romantic letter you ever gave me was “W,” because it’s a couple of soul mate “V”s. Or maybe they were a couple of letters of the same sex engaging in a homosexual relationship. A “W” is two “V”s in a civil union, but the world is not ready to flip that on its head and let them go for the big “M.
Surviving cancer is cool, but surviving old age is cooler.
There may be a sucker born every minute, but every 30 seconds a lollipop pops out.
The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.
My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.
A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.