65402 anonym 0
0
I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22


64231 anonym 0
0
If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money.


60665 anonym 0
0
I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?


56323 anonym 0
0
I like people who can keep the conversation going no matter how random the topic gets.

65550 anonym 0
0
If I hung out with Van Gogh, I don’t know what we’d do. We’d just play it by ear, I guess.


66994 anonym 0
0
She asked if I found what she was telling me very exciting, and I managed to yelp out “very” while yawning.


77184 anonym 0
0
When she offered me a spot of tea, I said, “No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.”


75347 anonym 0
0
I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.


73605 anonym 0
0
I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.


46575 anonym 0
0
Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.


43266 anonym 0
0
My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.


11368 anonym 0
0
Some writers aren't writers, they are mere escapees' and refugees' on an exile from the jungle of thoughts.

7610 anonym 0
0
If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.


1537 anonym 0
0
The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.


17180 anonym 0
0
I think the most romantic letter you ever gave me was “W,” because it’s a couple of soul mate “V”s. Or maybe they were a couple of letters of the same sex engaging in a homosexual relationship. A “W” is two “V”s in a civil union, but the world is not ready to flip that on its head and let them go for the big “M.

19247 anonym 0
0
Surviving cancer is cool, but surviving old age is cooler.


36825 anonym 0
0
There may be a sucker born every minute, but every 30 seconds a lollipop pops out.


35923 anonym 0
0
The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.


28901 anonym 0
0
My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.


1067 anonym 0
0
A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.